People, Glass houses and Myself.

Good Morning all,
Okay so no one reads this shit and I’m sitting here writing to myself and posting it online.. WACKY!  It’s all good. This more for me than anyone else. So… on with the it then!
It’s been a long time since I updated this thing. Mostly because I have been busy with drawing and trying to reconnect with old online buds.
It’s so funny how very little people change but then again when you are online… you have this one side of yourself that you show and a whole other side you do not. It is a bit hard to really know people online because of that fact. I have been working on being less judgmental towards people and become more open to understanding them by reading between the lines. I apply my own personal feelings and such to learn more about others and what they might be dealing with. It doesn’t always work but once in a blue moon it does.
I started a Art Blog in order to show my Artistic progress and to show more of myself as a human being to those that may have never seen that side of me. This is another way I try to connect with people. It also is a way I can connect with myself. The more I draw and try to express myself honestly… the more the past becomes the past. It’s a slow process but worth it. In a way it has changed me for the better… I hope.
Art is slowly freeing me from all the pain and loneliness of my past.
It does not matter to me if I become famous for my Art. I have no interest in becoming rich off my work. I am happy knowing that I can offer this to myself and to anyone that cares to see and understand the more content and Artistic side of me.
I know I still have issues to deal with but I do feel like I am heading on a more happy path in life. My honest desire is to inspire those still lost in the past.. To find their own way to a better way to live.
I mean… if you have to live outside the glass house… why not make the best of it?

Allen Padgett aka GFB
8/28/2011
P.S I am going to post this on both Blogs.. thxs

Insane week

Okay... so it’s been a week or so since I posted anything. I have been a bit side tracked with some issues at home. Out pool has a serious leak I believe within the plumbing... so Dale and I called someone to pressure the lines so we can find where the leak is at. To make a long story short…  Pensacola pools came out and looked at the pool and they said they would send someone out to test the lines.. This person never called or showed up. When you live in florida… expect this sort of unprofessionalism to be constant. So dale decided to find the leak himself and started to dig in the areas we believe it be the problem areas… no luck so far. We did get all the potted (large) plants moved to the front and get some grass seeds down in the bad spots.

Other than dealing with all the work and poor customer service... or none shall I say. I have been too busy to be my normal depressed self.

 Or self pity self. Oh yes… My DSL has been down since 12pm this past Monday. I’m so angry with Att I want to just drop them but… Dale needs it for house hunting in the Atlanta area. We were supposed to have a tech come out sometimes between 1-4 pm yesterday. Needless to say… they never showed up… although when I called att… they told me that someone had already been to my house and repaired the problem… a bald faced LIE! They are supposed to send someone to my house this morning but this time... I have demanded that call AND knock on my door so I can be sure they are really here doing their job. I can’t tell you how disgusted I am with the whole fucking mess… its ridiculous! I think when we move…and if we can afford it I’m looking for another way to get online other than att.

I guess that’s all I got today. With any luck I hope to be back online soon. If you are reading this… Yay I got my Net back! If not… UGGGH!

Later!

Matters of the Heart: David's Heart

I got call from a friend back home in the Atlanta area. For a couple of years his health had been going down and his struggles with weight loss added to his stress and dragged him down emotionally. He has serious heart issues that he needed a pace maker and med's to speed up his heart rate. After his surgery... he had no energy to walk from one room to the next he had to sit and catch his breath.  It seemed his depression became more worse after all was done to help him. For a couple of weeks or so. I had not called him or chatted with him online. I guess I was too caught up and too selfish, being so lost in my own head to call him to see how he was doing. He called me and told me what was going on... he sounded so full of energy and life... it  was like he was not sick at all. It seems he had some fluid around his heart and lungs ( I think thats what he said)...which was making him feel so bad. The adjusted his med's and his Pace maker plus gave him some med's for the fluid and now he says he has not felt as good as he does now in a very long time. Of course I was very happy for him and I couldn't help but to cry a little. He is like family... well more than that.. he is like blood to me. Not many people in my life I see as blood. Dale my heart-mate, Robin my close friend and David... the man I just talked about...all blood to me.
I do have a sister but she does not know me as well as my blood family does. I know this post has nothing to do with me but it did make me smile when David called me and told me about his improving health. I will be so glad when we move back to the Atlanta area.. I miss my blood family. I want to be there for them.. if thats what they want.
Anyway...thats what i got for now.

This is a drawing I did of David.. I call him Mama.
Later all

Information not so informative.

Good Morning all, I have to say... after almost 8 hours of sleep for the first time in many months.. I'm not feeling too bad right now. I say right now because I know i will have a crap load of mood swings during the day. For now I will just set here and chat while enjoying the day's first cup of fresh brewed coffee.
So a little about myself. I was born in Savannah Ga. Dec. 1st 1960.. Yes I know.. I'm old. I have a s Sister and we were both adopted very young. We grew up in a violent  and abusive house. More details about that for another time. I left home at a early age and for the first few years of my young adult life I spent drinking and drifting from job to job, sofa to sofa. I use to believe that I would never live to be 40. Between my inner drama, drinking and no sense of self or direction in life, I honestly felt I had to reason to be anything more than that... a loser. For some reason I did live past the self imposed expiration date. I somehow found some direction.I stopped drinking  like a fish a long time ago and still I feel like a loser. Ain't that some shit?
Okay I know I am leaving a lot of details out and I know thats a little annoying but at some point I will tell my story... in full. Or as full as I can recall.

So I will share with you the things that mean something to me. Art is a passion I have had for a long time but I was too lost in my head to embrace my artistic side. Now I do. Music is also something very special to me. I have always called Music " The Friend that never let me down and always know what I am thinking and feeling."
I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man that has in many ways saved my life. He encourages me with my Art. He try's hard to understand my depression and dark days. He stands by me..even if he feels like running. I'm not an easy person to live with or understand. Very few people get me. I am however... very grateful for the ones that try to get me. I use to make friends easy.. not so much now.
Lets see what else...I love plants, trees... Nature in general. I like simple things. I have a friend back in the Atlanta area and we use to go to all the junk stores to look around and yes.. buy junk. I miss that so much. Not the shopping but the moments when we would laugh about silly shit. It made me feel like.. i was apart of life and life was apart of me.
Well I can't think of anything else to say really so I will end this. As I said before I do drift when i write so if you found this post a bit fucked up... it is. LOL
Of course I doubt anyone reads this but thats okay. I'm doing this for myself.
I talk to myself all the time anyway... this way I can write to myself and no one gets freaked out..LOL
allen

My first glass of Whine.

Hello World, Okay before I get too involved.. let me say this...I tend to drift when I write but i will do my best to stay focused on any topic. I wanted to start a new blog about my battle with depression and with any luck this can be a perfect venue to let go of the shit that has always stained my emotional underwear. I have held on to so much crap in my head that its become apart of me like an arm or leg. Some days I am not sure where I begin and where the past ends. I'm one of those freaks that can make a friend but can't hold on to that new friend. I become so overwhelmed so much that I find it hard to know where I stand with the people in my life. This feeling of isolation and disconnection with the human race is too strong. Yeah I know.. Get over it! It would be nice if it was a simple as that. I also know that there is lots of help and meds for  fuck tards like me but it comes at a high price tag. Lets face it... it cost lots of money to be healthy and sane. I may be depressed but I can still function. Well... a little I can. Personally I don't think I would take meds for my depression even if i could afford it. I see it like this... I paid the price for having a crazy mother fucker for a father.. i refuse to pay anymore. I am going to do this on my own. I could ask for advice from the readers but I know that wont happen. I'm not saying you guys ( the readers) don't care or have anything supportive to say but lets face it...people have their own demons to deal with. To be honest.. I want help. I think I need it but as as I said...People have their own demons.I have tried to be open in the past but my story was used against me. I suppose thats karma. I'm not always a nice person. I may be more like my father than I care to admit. MY anger has pushed away a lot of people in my life over the years. My partner Dale is the one true good thing in my life. I have not pushed him away yet so I guess thats a start in the right direction. He is the one person that has not given up on me. I'm lucky but I don't think I deserve it. I have two close friends that gets me too. I've tried very hard not to push them away. My fear is that one day.. these two close friends will move on without him. Maybe they should. I'm too self-whatever to be around anyway. I think we all feel that way sometimes.
Anyway,,, thats all I have to say today.
thanks for stopping by.

Allen